Michael Symon Opens New Cleveland Restaurant for Idiots
Michael Symon Opens New Cleveland Restaurant for Idiots
10/05/16
Michael Symon, Cleveland native son and its best-known culinary star, is opening a new restaurant, but in a surprising move he’s going in a completely different direction from his other eateries.
“I think it’s an idea whose time has come,” said Symon while slapping an unadorned, bruised banana on a paper plate, which a waiter in a stained shirt picked up to deliver to a patron for dessert. “There’s twelve bucks in the till. Got these babies free from behind a Giant Eagle that was getting rid of produce they could no longer sell. I call it Mature Plantain de Symon.”
In fact, Symon gets the majority of the ingredients for his new restaurant predominantly by dumpster diving behind the West Side Market, Chinese restaurants, and the Cleveland Zoo. “Hey! Free food! Who doesn’t love that?” he said. “You’d be surprised at what people throw out. Yesterday I found an entire case of only slightly rotting bok choy and a really nice lamp that just needs a new shade.”
You might think this new attitude comes from no longer caring, but it’s just the opposite: Symon cares too much. “Look,” he said, “I’ve spent my entire life making sure each diner was served a healthy, flavorful meal that would please both the eye and the palette. And the people of Cleveland deserve it, because they have sophisticated tastes, no less than those in New York or Chicago. But lately I’ve had too many tables filled with rich assholes who only make reservations to impress their dates so they can get laid. I was beginning to feel like a food pimp for people who wouldn’t know a brie from a brioche. That’s when I came up with the idea for my newest restaurant - Le Merde Tête.”
I asked about the theory behind the concept. Why would anyone want to eat at a place that served food that would get any other restaurant closed down by the health department? Won’t it drive away his regular customers and ruin his reputation?
“Anyway, these are the only people I take reservations for. They think they’re getting special treatment and an exclusive dining experience. Well, they’re right. I treat them like crap and I won’t let any of my good customers eat here.”
We were interrupted by a waiter who came into the kitchen and said, “Hey, Michael! The guy at table four said to give his compliments to the chef! Said his Pépites a la Hyène is the best appetizer he’s ever had!”
Symon laughed heartily. “Table four. That would be the PR consultant who always mispronounces Dom Perignon. ‘Dahm Pear-ig-num.’ What a tool.”
I wanted to know what Pépites a la Hyène are, and Symon laughed even louder. “It translates to hyena kibble. I roast it with a honey coating. The zoo will never miss it.”
Asked whether this story will put them onto his game, Symon replied, “Trust me. I don’t think these idiots can read.”
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